PEPFAR: The art of practising safe prostitution.

It’s a gleeful morning here in Washington, kids, as all the international development-ites (even the former ones) wake up to Sunday morning talk shows filled with the news that Randall Tobias, director of foreign aid programs at the State Department (otherwise known as the head of USAID), just resigned due to the press finding out that he was listed on the D.C. Madam’s list.

Pop some khalua in the coffee, mix up some mimosas and griddle some pancakes, pals, because CNN has never been so fun.

For it seems that the same guy that developed the international policy against prostitution and for abstinence, couldn’t quite manage to abstain from prostitution.

Pretty much the only way for things to get more fun than this would be if we found out that Bush was a gay Iraqi.

Oh, the irony. And what we lack in fashion sense in this town, we make up for in our appreciation for the ironic.

And the hypocritical.

Though, to be fair, Tobias wasn’t entirely hypocritical in his actions.

I mean, he only got a "massage" from the women he invited to his condo, via a well-established, elite escort service.

Good to know that he was practicing safe prostitution in that sense, though he failed in another very important aspect.

Not getting caught.

But that isn't part of Tobias's regulations. Which only indicate that as humans, we have three options for sexual behavior in our lives:

A: Abstinence
B: Being Faithful
C: Using condoms (but only in certain government-approved situations, which certainly does not include sex with prostitutes).

Now, being married, Tobias wouldn’t be required to be abstinent, only faithful. And since he "never had sex" with the prostitutes, he was able to do so, without using a condom, which PEPFAR condones giving to prostitutes, but only after you pledge to hate them, which sometimes deteriorates, a tad, the credibility of your message.

Because as Americans, under PEPFAR and the leadership of Randall Tobias, we hate prostitution. All of it. It is evil and we take oaths against it.

This way, we can pretend it doesn't exist and eventually, it will therefore cease to exist. Except for when we're calling over some "Central American gals" to provide us with massages at our home.

Then it exists, but it's the good prostitution. Not the exploitive kind.

As Tobias himself explains, “The U.S. is also partnering with communities to find solutions to such issues as sexual coercion and exploitation of women and girls, as well as fighting sex trafficking and prostitution, while still serving victims of these activities.”

Which is why he was paying his masseuses very well, and not just going to some corporate chain of masseuses. No, he was acting to serve the victims of prostitution, by dealing only with very high class ones and aiding their escape through financial liberation.

The DC Madame describes the services offered by her firm as costing $275 for a 90-minute session of “high-end adult fantasy...which offered legal sexual and erotic services across the spectrum of adult sexual behavior…[and] provided university-educated women to engage in legal game-playing of a sexual nature."

So you see, unlike in the developing world where PEPFAR policies are enforced and prostitution is exploitive, here it's okay, because these women were educated, and very well paid.

And so, because they're in America, and well paid, clearly they can't be at risk for contracting or passing on the HIV virus.

Because then it could be said that Tobias was engaging in high-risk sexual behavior. Which would violate PEPFAR regulations.

And that would be hypocritical.

But no, he just got massages. And massages, sometimes, are just necessary.

It’s stressful, after all, explaining to people in all these other countries why they can only have limited knowledge of condoms if they’re part of certain populations and why abstinence and marriage are really the only appropriate times anyone should engage in sexual behavior.

And it gets even more stressful when you’re caught, saying that and, while married, hiring a prostitute to visit your condo.

Because then everyone goes all crazy, calling you a hypocrite.

It just doesn’t follow that instinctively to everyone else what is so obvious to us--that our policies are obviously only developed to pertain to human behavior in the developing world.

Not here.

Because clearly we’re so morally superior, we don't need them.

Duh.